Hello blogging friends. So I have stumbled upon (yet another) writing set back and it has left me feeling discouraged. So, what better place to come vent about it than on my blog?
What happened, you ask?
I lost an entire first chapter of a new story I was writing. Yup. Completely gone, into the aether, never to return. I swore I saved it. When I write, I save multiple times throughout my writing sessions. I save my writing both on my computer and on my USB. Sometimes, I even send it to myself by email.
So why, this time, do I have absolutely no trace of my story anywhere? I was so confounded and confused that I started to think that I dreamt it all. That I dreamt writing the first chapter. I was complaining about it to my brother, but he assured me that I did not dream it and I in fact wrote it (or at least some of it) while he and I were having our little writing party one evening. So then….WHERE IS IT??
I’ve checked my computer and scoured every folder, I’ve checked my USB, I’ve typed in key words, I even scoured my work computer and checked my “recent documents” in Microsoft Word. And there is absolutely no trace of my first chapter anywhere. Someone please tell me how this is possible.
And because I practically brain vomited my ideas into a document, I barely remember what it was I wrote, but I know I liked it. So, rewriting it from scratch feels impossible because I know I’m not going to write it the way that I had it. You might be thinking, well, if you don’t remember it anyway, what does it matter? IT MATTERS, OKAY? Writing freely and loving that feeling of the words flowing from your brain, into your fingers, and on the page can not be replicated. And that is exactly what starting over feels like to me. Like trying to replicate, imitate, copy. And it feels false and way less magical.
I remember small things about my chapter, but I purposely did not go back and reread because I want to get out of the habit of editing a chapter multiple times before moving on to the next. And rereading the chapter would have triggered my itch to edit. Now I feel like I’m paying for that choice because I don’t remember enough of my chapter to make rewriting it easy.
Because of this technological blunder, I have been in a state of defeated stagnation ever since. I want to write and I want to write my new story. But every time I think about my story, I think about how I had a chapter written and how I now have to start from scratch again after finally talking myself out of my imposter syndrome and fear of trying. Having progress at one point in time and then suddenly having nothing really is defeating. This is not my first time losing something through a technology faux pas (thankfully, this is rare for me), but the negative feelings afterward are always the same and just as strong. And my dramatic and overly sensitive brain always wants to completely shut down and give up writing for the next couple months…or years lol.
I have been in this weird limbo state where I don’t know whether to just suck it up and start over, or to pick up one of my other stories and start writing that. Idk why this is so hard for me, but this is how my brain works no matter how much I try to be positive about the situation. Like, at least I didn’t write a full story and then lose that. That would be tragic. And yes, I’m speaking from experience. I have lost TWO FULL stories before and that sent me into a blubbering depression for days. I cried soooo much. I rewrote one. R.I.P. to the other.
But perhaps this is where my hesitation stems from: the ptsd of having lost writing that was very important to me. This time, it was only one chapter, but the effects are still the same because just like before, I swore I did everything right. I wrote it. Saved it. Went to bed feeling great about myself for finally getting out of my writing slump. Only to find out that what I wrote is gone without a trace.
If you’ve made it to the end of this post, thank you for reading my rambles. You probably think all of this is just over-the-top nonsense, but thanks for reading anyway.
Do I know what my next steps will be? Not really. I might move on to something else. Or I might just go read a book or something since CLEARLY THE WRITING GODS ARE CONSPIRING AGAINST ME! I’m not really in the mood to write this particular story anymore.
The Cloud Runner 